Art of Letting Go...

Dr. Alan Zimmerman's Comments:

Sooner or later, everyone you know will disappoint you in some way.
They'll say something or fail to say something that will hurt you.
And they'll do something or fail to do something that will anger
you. It's inevitable. Unfortunately, you make things worse when you
stew over someone's words and deeds. When you dwell on a rude remark
or an insensitive action made by another person, you're headed for
deeper problems.

In fact, the more you dwell on these things, the more bitter you'll
get. You'll find your joy, peace and happiness slipping away. And
you'll find your productivity slowing down as you spend more and
more time thinking about the slight or telling others about it.
Eventually, if you don't stop doing it, you'll even get sick.

So what should you do the next time someone betrays you? TAKE
RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR FEELINGS. Even though the other person may
be at fault, even though the other person wronged you, you are still
responsible for your own feelings.

In other words, other people do not "cause" your feelings. You
choose them. For example, two different people could be told that
their suggestions made at the staff meeting were "stupid and
idiotic." One person may "choose" to feel so hurt that he never
speaks up at any other meeting again. The other person may "choose"
to feel sorry for the critic, sorry that the critic couldn't see the
wisdom and necessity of her suggestions.

As long as you blame other people for your feelings, as long as you
believe other people caused your feelings, you're stuck. You're a
helpless victim.

But if you recognize the fact that you choose your feelings and you
are responsible for your feelings, there's hope. You can take some
time to think about your feelings. And you can decide what is the
best thing to say or do.

Then, you've got to learn to WALK AWAY FROM DISAPPOINTMENT. It's
difficult to do, but it's possible. The famous 19th century Scottish
historian, Thomas Carlyle, proved that.

After working on his multi-volume set of books on "The French
Revolution" for six years, Carlyle completed the manuscript and took
volume one to his friend John Stuart Mill. He asked Mill to read it.

Five days later, Mill's maid accidentally threw the manuscript into
the fire. In agony, Mill went to Carlyle's house to tell him that
his work had been destroyed.

Carlyle did not flinch. With a smile, he said, "That's all right,
Mill.

These things happen. It is a part of life. I will start over. I can
remember most of it, I am sure. Don't worry. It's all here in my
mind. Go, my friend! Do not feel bad." As Mill left, Carlyle watched
him from the window. Carlyle turned to his wife and said, "I did not
want him to see how crushed I am by this misfortune." And with a
heavy sigh, he added, "Well the manuscript is gone, so I had better
start writing again." Carlyle finally completed the work, which
ranks as one of the great classics of all time. He had learned to
walk away from his disappointment.

After all, what could Carlyle have done about his burnt manuscript?

Nothing. Nothing would have resurrected the manuscript. All Carlyle
could do was to get bitter or get started. And what can you do about
anything once it is over? Not much. You can try to correct it if it
is possible, or you can walk away from it if it isn't. Those are
your only two choices.

Part of the difficulty comes from a common misunderstanding of
forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean that the other person's
behavior is okay. And forgiveness doesn't mean that the other person
is off the hook. He's still responsible for his misbehavior.
Forgiveness is about letting yourself off the emotional hook. It's
about releasing your negative emotions, attitudes, and behaviors.
It's about letting go of the past so you can go forward to the
future.