love vs. commitments

Love vs. commitments..

Every body says that love is all that matters. But for me, it’s a complicated situation.. let me tell you my story, its about love, a complicated love situation. Long distance, to commitment, to an open relationship.

I once live in manila, everything is great for me, my friends and my boyfriend.. but things have change when I heard that were migrating.. yes, we did migrate to Canada for same reasons as others, to have a better future. But for me, I wasn’t sure about it. I was so inlove with him, Jeffery. We dated for only 4 months together but our love is different. Each day we spent together for the fullest. Everything has gone smoothly… but everything just shattered.
I went to Canada with my family.. Jeffery and me didn’t broke up. We decided to have a long distance relationship. long distance don’t stay long but im stupid enough to believe that for us it will last. I know Jeffery, and I believe his words. So our communication depends on phone, chat, message and letters.. yes we do give each other letters every week even though we can do it in internet..
I started going to school, shy, but have to be brave. First, I don’t know a single person, second I have to speak English.. but as I got in the school, I actually have friends who are all Filipinos just like me we were about 30 I think that time. So meeting friends is not bad after all.. I began hanging out with them. Then I started to be close with Alvin. We talk a lot in chat but not at school thou.. I started to like him, but I dont like him as much as my friend do. So I don’t mind my feelings at all,, but since we have same situation which is long distance relationship.. we talk a lot about it. Months after months.. we became a couple. Yes, I did cheat on Jeffery and he did cheat on his girlfriend to. Me and my friend got to an argument or a fight about the issue.. but as time goes by.. it didn’t get to a very big issue..
March came… I was excited cause I didn’t expect that even it’s a long distance we still have a chance to reach one year.. yes, you can call me a two timer but for as you read this you’ll understand everything.. by the way Alvin, for his side, is not complicated anymore for his girlfriend in UAE broke up with him because she found another guy… anyways, after a week or so after my anniversary with Jeffery.. Jeffery broke up with me.. he doesn’t have an other girl or anything, but he said that it was to hard for him.. I understand him because it is really hard… but he told me that he still love me and if me and him is really a couple.. then at the end, we’ll still be..
I didn’t cry or anything.. but days and days.. I finally realized that I really do love Jeffery.. I did cheat, but for Alvin I think im just looking for a companion. Someone who will be there at my side. But my friends didn’t know how painful was that for me, because im a jolly person and I stick to that point. I keep al the pain and burden in me.. then one day I talk to my friend and ask her hows it going with Jeffery at the Philippines. She told me that since I left Jeffery is not his self anymore. Hes not really that active and jolly. He is not a serious guy. And at that time I know Jeffery love me. My friend told me that his mom saw Jeffery crying always late at night, and it hurts him to just talk to me.. not even hugging and kiss me.. at that point, I cried. I realize how important he is to me.. I didn’t know what to do.. so I tried to patch up things with him.. but im to late.. he said that I must move on.. it hurts for both of us to stay like this so its better to have our separate ways..
So I did what he said.. I tried to forget him and try to be happy with Alvin.. then after 7 months or so.. everything is change again for me.. i found out I was pregnant.. yes I only knew it after 7 months.. that how stupid I am.. so me and Alvin is stuck up together.. he wanted to marry me.. but I don’t want to.. I give him such stupid reasons to avoid him asking me… like, I want to have a big wedding, or like I want to be stabled first.. but the reason is.. I don’t like to be married for a guy that im not sure that I loved. Even though we dated for so long I still have my feeling for Jeffery only for him.. so we have our baby and his already 1 year old now.. but the story didn’t finish yet.. most of the time me and Alvin got to an argument. Because I want him to quit smoking, stop his every single bad habits. Im like can you please be more responsible now, because he have a son now, and everything is different now.. but nothing change.. even though I always says it, still nothing happen. So, I finally give up…. I did most of the sacrifice.. don’t go to school, quit my job and everything.. to take good care of my baby.. him? I have no idea what he do.. but were still together and he still sometimes visit our son.
After 7 months, I got my grandparent to come over here to help me out take care of my baby.. so I can go back to school and work again. But Alvin don’t want me to go back to work.. cause his reason is that I might be stolen from him.. im like, its not possible.. but the truth is I really want to get out to our relationship.. cause I was tied up with him.. everything I do is controlled by him,.. im not even aloud to talk to other of my guy friends.. he’s jealous of everything.. I actually wanted to be free… free from everything..
So I still work.. and Alvin was right I found another guy.. he ask me for my number, tons of guys ask me but I don’t really give it but since he is good looking and seems nice I did give him my email address.. I really don’t know why.. so we started talking at msn, and arrange a date were we could met formally.. I brought my friend with me, and arrange her with jeffrey’s friend.. (yes the guys name is same thing as my x boyfriend but different spellings). Jeffrey’s friend name is eric.. so we did watch a movie.. but instead of me and Jeffery hooking my friend and eric.. they kinda help me and Jeffery to date..
So Jeffrey and I dated for a month and so… I broke up with Alvin first before it started.. its hard.. but I have to do it.. I want him to change.. not personality, but I want him to realize that I have a life and he needs to be responsible.. you probably think that I should have broke with him earlier because I love Jeffery back then in Philippines and at the same time hes not being responsible for the baby.. but in my mind.. im thinking that I don’t want to broke up with him because I want my baby to have a whole family.. get it? But another side of my mind saying that broke up with him, so your baby has a future..
I broke up with him and tell him to change.. ill get back to him as sooner he study again, and stop hes bad habits…
Jeffrey and I dated and get along well.. but somethings missing.. I really only see him as a friend.. we watch movies with eric.. I always wanted eric to be their.. for no reason.. then a problem came up.. erics x-girlfriend (since shes still into eric) thinks that me and eric is dating.. and shes warning Jeffrey about it.. im like what??!! Haha!! She’s saying that I always give him toys and everything..(cause I can get them for free in the store im working to, cuz eric is a collector) but we all ignore that.. then eric started calling me and always saying sorry for causing trouble for me and Jeffrey… but as I talk to him.. I realize I do like him.. that’s why, I always what him to be there.. and whenever im talking to him I feel so happy..whenever he text me..(he started texting me everyday) I feel happy to.. but I told my self I cant like him for he’s the bestfriend of my boyfriend.. so I just hide it to my self..
I was talking to eric at the fone and he heard my friend asking a question.. a question that started it all.. “is it possible to fell inlove in 2 persons at the same time?” so he did ask me that to.. and I answer yes.. which is obviously true from my part.. so he keep asking me whos the other person is… I told him it was him but in a joke way…
Jeffrey’s bday came up.. but we have school and stuff.. but eric was off that they to his work..(COOP) so I ask him to help me find jeffrey’s gift.. so we went to the mall together.. and hangout and bought the gift there.. then it was finally said.. “I like you”.. it didn’t affect eric that much. And have no clue why.. he ask me to hug him. But I didn’t do it.. cuz I thought that he just feel bad for me… then night came.. we had dinner with this girl that I arrange to meet eric… then while dinner I saw eric looking at me.. everytime I look at him.. then he text me.. he told me he don’t want the girl at all.. (im not telling the full detail cuz you, as a reader might get bored to it..) so night came around11:30.. were sitting at his car.. with Jeffrey and our other friend. Jeffrey and the other guy went to the gas station to buy something. So me and eric were there alone.. then he started to talk.. he told me he has something to say but he cant say it.. and finally he said it.. “ I actually do have feelings for you”.. that time I was planning to broke up with Jeffrey.. not because eric said it.. but because.. I don’t want it to make worse.. I don’t want Jeffrey to fell inlove with me more.. for I am no good..
Eric told me those sweet words.. and tell me not to break up with Jeffrey.. but I broke up with him.. I was planning to stay away from them.. because I was trying to break their friendship and I don’t want to do that.. but everything got complicated.. days past.. and eric told me that I should get back o Jeffrey.. so this way we can still hangout together.. so I did what he said. That time I told Jeffrey I like eric.. but Jeffrey was a guy that is slow, that cant view the whole point.. he cant view that im only staying with him to see eric and stuff.. so after days past without sleep.. eric finally told Jeffrey that he like me to…eric said that he didn’t mean to.. but I like her not as you love her thou…
Things gone better.. but I know its not.. they always had a fight as in really fight.. because of me.. but guess what.. there’s another problem.. eric has a girlfriend.. for 3 years now.. (yes, he is a playboy! Having her girlfriend, with other girls being with him..) and theres another more.. he’s having a kid!( which it doesn’t matter to me cause I have one to.. but a kid to another girl!) but I don’t get my self.. I still agreed to be with him.. so yah. We did date.. eventhough things are like this.. I guess I really do like him.. its funny to think that our first date was so bad.. because we saw his girlfriend.. but luckily.. we didn’t show any signs that were dating.. but they still have a fight.. for jealousy I guess…
I was happy.. but then somethings missing.. its not like before now.. since I know he has a girlfriend… he don’t call an text me that much now.. I guess hes taking advantage of me being know everything.. so we dated for a month to.. even though it hurts me more and more.. cause my first gift to him was regretted.. can you believe that he give it back to me… (cause he don’t like chocolates.. but still right he should just keep it not eat in..) and he also wants me to buy him a zippo, a lighter with my name on it.. (which I just found out that it’s a collection.. everygirl he had has one to..) it hurts to know that hes with this girl out somewhere doing something.. I want to give up cause.. for a 3 years relationship.. I cant just have eric.. that easily right.. so finally he broke up with me after a month.. we are still good friends.. but im still into him.. I guess the relationship.. will not really end happy for me.. cause its to complicated.. being in a relationship with things like ruining friendship, ruining another relationship.. is a bad thing at all.. so I guess I made the right decision.. to ignore them completely.. I guess I was just excited to have a boyfriend with another background.. (their actually Chinese)
So my life went back being with Alvin.. which I don’t know how it started..
Its ok being with him.. but same as last time.. I don’t feel anything when he kiss or hug me.. just friends.. I still don’t know if I like Alvin or not…. But whenever im with him.. its just like before.. last time im thinking about Jeffery in the Philippines right.. but now.. im thinking about eric.. do you think im into eric?? Or do you think that I love Alvin?

Until now I still don’t found the answers yet… im still searching.. for the man that’s right for me.. someone who will make me happy.. and someone who will cherish me forever… I experience a lot of relationship.. but this is the most complicated ever!!! Don’t you think? Waaa.. don’t know what to do… love isn’t easy at all…

Technorati Tags: Dating and Friendship

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